The Lusty Argonian Maid
Title: The Lusty Argonian Maid
Full Title: The Lusty Argonian Maid
Author: Crassius Curio
Skyrim Weight 1.00 Value 14
Oblivion Weight 1.00 Value 10 FormID 00078562
Morrowind Weight 3.00 Value 20 FormID bk_lustyargonianmaid

Main article: Books (Skyrim)

Main article: Books (Oblivion)

Main article: Books (Morrowind)

The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play and book filled with tons of sexual innuendo written by Crassius Curio. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female.

Known locationsEdit

MorrowindEdit

• Vivec City, found on the body of Crassius Curio

OblivionEdit

• Leyawiin in Southern Books.
• Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud.
• Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian.
• Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion.
• Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area.
• Bliss, close to the entrance gate.
• Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates

SkyrimEdit

• Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2).
• Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2).
• Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz.
• Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor.
• Riftweald Manor, in the basement.
• College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books, (it may be hard to find, but it's there).
• Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf
• Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed.
• Fort Dawnguard^DG, Next to some potions and a bedroll.
• In Benkongerike^DB in Solstheim in the Great Hall. On the right, inside a hut, there is a pile of both works. (13 of V1, 6 of V2)

ContentsEdit

Volume 1Edit

Act IV, Scene III, continued

Lifts-Her-Tail
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.

Crantius Colto
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?

Lifts-Her-Tail
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.

Crantius Colto
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.

Lifts-Her-Tail
You embarrass me, sir!

Crantius Colto
Fear not. You are safe here with me.

Lifts-Her-Tail
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!

Crantius Colto
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.

Lifts-Her-Tail
But it is huge! It could take me all night!

Crantius Colto
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

END OF ACT IV, SCENE III

Volume 2Edit

Note: Volume 2 was added in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

Act VII, Scene II, Continued

Lifts-Her-Tail

My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?

Crantius Colto

This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.

Lifts-Her-Tail

If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?

Crantius Colto

Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.

Lifts-Her-Tail

You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?

Crantius Colto

Of course.

Lifts-Her-Tail

But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.

Crantius Colto

Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.

Lifts-Her-Tail

Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!

Crantius Colto

Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.

End of Act VII, Scene II

TriviaEdit

• In The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, this appeared as a single book, however in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2.
• The male lead's name, "Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer Crassius Curio, implying that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy.
• In the add-on The Elder Scrolls V: Dragonborn there is a (quest item) book called Lusty Argonian Maid Folio, which contains both Volume I and Volume II.

AppearancesEdit

• The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind (First appearance)
• The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
• The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim

This book was taken from The Elder Scrolls series of video games or from websites created and owned by Bethesda Softworks, the copyright of which is held by Bethesda Softworks. All trademarks and registered trademarks present in the image are proprietary to Bethesda Softworks, the inclusion of which implies no affiliation with The Elder Scrolls Wiki. The use of such images is believed to fall under the fair use doctrine of copyright law.