|The Lusty Argonian Maid|
|Title: The Lusty Argonian Maid|
|Full Title: The Lusty Argonian Maid|
|Author: Crassius Curio|
The Lusty Argonian Maid is a play and book filled with tons of sexual innuendo written by Crassius Curio. It is often found in the sleeping areas of reclusive men. The Dawnguard expansion includes a variant called The Sultry Argonian Bard in which the titular character, Croon-Tail, is male, and his patroness is female.
- Leyawiin in Southern Books.
- Imperial City, found on the body of Gaston Tussaud.
- Cheydinhal, the Dark Brotherhood Sanctuary. Ocheeva owns a copy. Amusing, considering she is in fact an Argonian.
- Deepscorn Hollow, next to the bed of the Dark Minion.
- Gweden Farm, basement in the sleeping area.
- Bliss, close to the entrance gate.
- Imperial City Waterfront by the Pirates
- Honningbrew Meadery, next to the bed in the loft floor (Volume 2).
- Haelga's Bunkhouse (Riften), left of the altar of Dibella on the bedstand in Haelga's room (Volumes 1/2).
- Lucky Lorenz's Shack, a crushed house across the river from the Abandoned Prison. Next to the body of Lucky Lorenz.
- Winterhold Jarl's Longhouse, in a room on the second floor.
- Riftweald Manor, in the basement.
- College of Winterhold Arcaneum, in a stack of books, (it may be hard to find, but it's there).
- Driftshade Refuge (Silver Hand hideout), on a bookshelf
- Highmoon Hall (Morthal) Underneath Joric's Bed.
- Fort DawnguardDG, Next to some potions and a bedroll.
- In BenkongerikeDB in Solstheim in the Great Hall. On the right, inside a hut, there is a pile of both works. (13 of V1, 6 of V2)
Act IV, Scene III, continued
Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor Argonian maid.
So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
You embarrass me, sir!
Fear not. You are safe here with me.
I must finish my cleaning, sir. The mistress will have my head if I do not!
Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here, polish my spear.
But it is huge! It could take me all night!
Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
END OF ACT IV, SCENE III
Note: Volume 2 was added in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Act VII, Scene II, Continued
- My goodness, that's quite a loaf! But how ever shall it fit my oven?
- This loaf isn't ready for baking, my sweet. It has yet to rise.
- If only we could hurry that along. How would I accomplish such a task?
- Oh, my foolish little Argonian maid, you must use your hands.
- You wish me to knead the loaf? Here?
- Of course.
- But what if the mistress catches me? Your loaf was meant to satisfy her appetite.
- Don't fret, my delicate flower. I'll satisfy the mistress's cravings later.
- Very well, but I'm afraid my oven isn't hot enough. It could take hours!
- Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time.
End of Act VII, Scene II
- In The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind and The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, this appeared as a single book, however in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim it appears as two separate volumes: Volume 1, Volume 2.
- The male lead's name, "Crantius Colto," is almost identical to that of the writer Crassius Curio, implying that he wrote this as a "self-insertion" fantasy.
- In the add-on The Elder Scrolls V: Dragonborn there is a (quest item) book called Lusty Argonian Maid Folio, which contains both Volume I and Volume II.