Been collecting baskets at a right old rate of knotts lately. Everytime I helps meself to all that lovely stuff going freebie down the Jarl of Whiterun's gaff I keeps collecting all the baskets 'coz you just never know when a spare basket or two might come in handy. I hates throwing stuff away what I can't flog on at cash converters so I'm chucking it all down me cellars in me pad in Riften. Got loads of freebie crap down there I have 'coz I've only gone an sussed it, ain't I?
I get tired easily after helping meself all over the place so what I do is this. I kips for 10 days and me missus cooks me dinner when I wakes up then I divvies up with her. I give her jack shit and she gives me half of everything she's got. That's a good girl. Not sure what school she went to or who taught her maths but I will say this, she just didn't get the idea of numbers, silly old moo. Still I ain't ain't got time to explain it all to her and she seems quite happy so why rock the boat I thinks.
Been saving all her hard earned loot to buy a new gaff in Solitude. Not been there meself yet but the postcards look pretty. I'm steering well clear in case I fekk it all up and accidentally murder some-one up there by mistake 'coz I shot two blokes what I thought were deer but it turned out they was guards in the woods and they weren't antlers really like what I thought they was. They was branches over the guards' heads so I shot one of them dead. Wonder what the fine will be 'coz had to do the other one in, well, the dog did, but I was quids in so that was nice. I hear that house in Solitude's got loads of rooms for all me baskets and I've come up with a plan. I really love bright ideas and this one is a corker. Gonna keep collecting more baskets and shit 'til I've had a crack at doin' what a man's gotta do and being really brave. I need all the shit I can possibly get and then some before I starts arsing around with any monsters in them there hills. Gotta lotta sleeping to do and helping meself whenever I get the opportunity 'coz I've actually got me arse outta bed that day. Sleeping's more profitable and the music's lovely and soothing and gives me time to build a cuppa tea.
So gonna make a rota. 10 days in bed and three days to rush around and help meself to all the stuff. When Cash Converters has converted me stuff to cash I'm stashing it a box in my gaff, Can't tell you which one 'coz walls has ears, you know, and you never know who might be listening, eh? Specially down in Riften where I lives now 'coz them's a right dodgy mob and the only thing worth having round that neck of the woods is that bird Mjoll, but that's whole other story.
When I got the cash and armour and enough cheese to sink a battleship gonna do one of the quests what you has to do before you can buy the bleeding house. I suspect they is gonna want me to lick that Jarl's arse as well. Well, that's alright with me but don't tell no-one 'coz I'm gonna move to that really posh gaff whatever it fekkin' takes. Got a feeling I'm gonna need a lotta saves done when I goes up wherever I gotta go and do what I whatever I gotta do. That's alright really 'coz I gotta woofie what's a bit confused and a madwoman with a bleeding battleaxe and I ain't argueing with me dog or the madwoman just in case. I think it's their job to get their heads stove in on my behalf on a wonderful cause 'coz I hear the gaff in Solitude's got the best view in Skyrim. I ain't looking yet 'coz it'll be a nice surprise for me and me dappy old missus.
Then me and the madwoman is collecting all the crap out of the place we got in Riften and we is gonna take it all over to the new place by horse. We're gonna go backwards and forwards with it all 'coz it'll be a laugh and we're taking different routes and at least the madwoman won't have to go back to selling her body in pubs so really I'm doing her a favour when you think about it. The dog'll get a walk out of it so dog's gonna be on guard. Huh,on second toughts maybe not, that bleeding dog's useless. Vigilant his name is. Vigilant, my arse. Stupid bugger. He's just like the wife, but don't tell her I said that 'coz she's only just stopped hitting me after I asked her if she fancied a bit of bondage. Those Riften girls ain't got no sense of humour, have they? Wonder how hard it'll be to get Mjoll's knickers off? Maybe that'll be me next quest.