Thought I was playing Alice Greenfingers where the carrots don't attack me every five minutes but I wasn't. Instead I found meself being chased by monsters - I hate monsters 'coz they give me the willies and nightmares and I'm only 54 and a half. Anything comes near me with teeth or a bloody sword and I'm off - I'm not hanging around for a punchup, especially in a game without toilets. We can all clobber a monster when they ain't real and when we've got a sharp pointy stick what ain't real and there's an automatic getting better fast system designed to keep us getting clobbered ourselves by fabricated monsters just a little bit longer and end up dead (again). That's when I remember I really should have done a save thingy what everyone keeps recommending. Getting to know the road from Helgen to Riverrwood very well now, that's how many times I've had to restart. It took me five goes to get past the first lot of wolves on the way down the first hill ' coz I thought they were lovely friendly little doggies out having a walkies until I sussed they was eating me.
Instead of all that bravado and courage and monster beating-up-ering gonna be starting a search to find the silliest and most insane things to do in Skyrim, apart from the main quest which is really stupid and a bit dangerous and is very messy and should therefore be avoided at all costs. I want a medal for running away as fast as my little legs can carry me off into the bright blue yonder. And one for being an wholesale and utter coward would be quite good too...I'd be proud of that 'coz the only other certificate I've got is one from a psychiatrist pronouncing me generally quite sane and well balanced considering all the facts. I actually am thus certified in real life by a real life psychiatric geezer with letters after his name so he should know should'nt he?
After playing Skyrim now for just two weeks - real time on Earth - certain questions now spring to mind.
Why did the game start by asking me awkward questions like what's me character's name?
My geeser's still called Prisoner 'coz I go blank when put on the spot and get asked awkward questions and I wasn't able to sleep properly at night for days. Shame on you Bethesda for not considering us quivering cowards who have to hide behind the sofa when monsters appear or we are suddenly bombarded with questions about what name to choose. I didn't realise at first quite how hard this game was gonna be.
Why didn't I kill what's his chops in the spider's web?
Never thought of it at the time. It may well have been the entire point of the game but I was distracted. Totally beggared up me game. Didn't find out this was 'WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO' for ages afterwards when I needed to do something other that clean out the Jarl of Whiterun's gaff every ten days and take the lot to cash converters. I felt sorry for him stuck in that nasty sticky spider's web. Was gonna invite him home for a nice cuppa but he just rushed straight past me. How rude. No gratitude or nuffink. Some people have got no manners and I blame his parents.
What is the deal with all them there free baskets when the only thing you can put in them is people and why won't no bugger buy any of me baskets?
I still haven't found no-one in Skyrim who's willing to buy all me baskets and me cellar in Riften if totally full of 'em...can't even get down the stairs now. I just chuck 'em in me cellar from the top now-a-days 'coz it saves me a walk down. Got loads all over the basement and so far no-one wants to buy them but I live in hope. Once me wooden hut what cost me a fortune in Riften is completely full I may open a shop and flog them all - or chuck 'em at a monster and increase my basket chucking skills to level 3. Have recently started me own quest....How many free baskets does it take to totally fill my lovely new wooden shack in Riftento the rafters? - If you don't know I shall be posting the answer somewhere around the internet as soon as they start falling out of the doors. Might have to flog that woman what keeps tidying up when I ain't looking to get a bit more room. My current guess is a few thousand but who knows? Oh, I will.
Why ain't me tomatoes going off?
Been walking around for a couple of weeks and got loads of tomatoes in me pockets and got over a thousand on the floor in Riften, along with a lovely collection of cabbages and carrots. They seem to last quite well with no pong what-so-ever yet. All these monsters are gonna well cop it when the tomatoes get used for self defence, eh? So is it possible to tomato a dragon to death with old tomatoes? Will find out in the near future.
How much cheese can a player eat without exploding?
This game does have a great deal of cheese involved. Got cheese stuffed in every cupboard and am very reluctant to sell any of it 'coz you just never know when a spot of cheese will come in handy. Here Skyrim appears a little unrealistic since I have yet to see any NPC which is overweight and having trouble getting up the stairs. All the NPCs seem fit and healthy except that bloke in the market in Riften who keeps begging. Get a job, that's what I told him.
Why doesn't my serving wench at home in Riften use a washing machine?
Don't know how she's keeping me undies washed but I ain't seen her doing it at the river. You'd think in this day and age there'd be a washing machine, wouldn't you? May have to install me own mods here - a washing machine, 42" smart TV, HiFI stereo and one of them double reclining sofas what's going cheap at Furniture-Is-Us.com. They've got special delivery in time for Crimbo if I buy now and pay over three years with two year's interest free credit and nothing to pay for ages. I may even move in which case I can get away without paying for it....ever. But definately not letting Thomas the Tank Engine near my place 'coz he ain't house trained proper and I don't want him leaving little soots all over me clean carpets. That madwoman in me house will start moaning again Dunno where she came from but I'm thinking of chucking her out unless she mends her ways. I might get her to follow me and feed her to a dragon, that'd shut her up for free. A Tardis what I saw on Youtube might be nice but will it fit in a wardrobe for safe keeping?
How safe is my gaff in Riften really?
My bedroom door leads straight out into Skyrim. What 'appens when one of them dragons wants to come in and the guards at the main gate gets fussy like? Is the dragon, or some invading army, gonna find that my bedroom door is the weak spot in the defences of Riften and come hurtling through while I'm having a kip? Is me baskets in the cellar safe? Spent ages licking everyone's arses in Riften just to get this gaff and now some dragon's gonna toast me tootsies while I sleep. How can I sleep at night ever again? Have to go back on the tablets, eh?
And finally....where's the toilet? -
What no toilets? Can't keep me legs crossed that long you know, it's not pleasant after a while. And no loo roll. What kind of place is this I ask myself? Haven't they ever heard of double luxury quilted? Nice and soft on yer bum and no smears, that's what the advert says. After careful consideration and looking at the state of my shack in Riften it may well be that my shack in Riften IS the toilet. But it is a work in progress.