(Madman Tonight is filmed in front of a live studio audience)
Madman97 (dressed in all green today): Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, and on a very special day too! You see, at the time of writing this, it is St. Patrick's Day and if you're from the other side of the pond and find yourself near Ireland, you would know that they take the day pretty seriously. It involves parades, dumping probably poisonous chemicals into the ocean to make it green, celebrate their heritage and how one man scammed an entire island with a four-leaf clover--You know the story! But here in RantyLand, we celebrate a similar holiday on the same day (celebrating me, of course) with a little game the Irish would definitely appreciate. Me and Dave like to call it Beer Jockey. The rules are simple. We ask each other a "have you ever" question. If I did do what they asked, I take a drink. If I didn't, I ask them a question. And since we are all about asking questions here (and want to kill time before the midnight premiere of Daredevil Season 2), I will invite a user here today to interview while I am doing the game. Hopefully, I'll make it through, right ladies and gentlemen? Now...Let's get SWATTED TONIGHT ON...
Madman97 (clapping his hands): Prepare the game table!
(From the backstage comes a number of green-clad servants, including Dave, carrying a small cherry wood table up next to two other unoccupied chairs. Then Dave sets down a bottle of--what else?-- Midleton Dair Ghaelach Single Pot Still Irish Whiskey and two crystal classes with ice from the Sea of Tranquility (that's on the Moon). Dave sits down and pours himself a cup.)
Dave (taking a swig before the game even begins and shudders as it goes down): Woo...It's an art form, really.
Madman97: Right you are, Dave, but it wouldn't be fair to start the game without our latest interviewee. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ned1230!
(Applause as a strange mutant with the head of Flanders from the Simpsons and the body of Eddard Stark--not that big of a problem considering the latter has been missing its original head since the end of Season 1 (spoilers)--walks up on stage and sits down. Dave eyes the abomination and glances at the bottom of his own glass.)
Dave: Strong stuff.
Madman97: Well Ned, it's great to have you here tonight. I know you've been wanting to do an interview since Jarjarkine was doing these and now you'll finally get one. Though I'm sad to say I may not make it through the night. That alright with you?
Ned1230: Well, Mad, I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that I definitely want to be interviewed.
Madman97: Excellent! Then I shall ask you a question first and then Dave and I will begin our game. First off, you've been in our little community for a long time. Be a dear and tell me how you came to be here...
Ned1230: Well, that's quite a long story.
Dave: SKIIIIIP--Just kidding, go on.
Ned1230: Well, my first edit ever here was vandalism, I think.
Madman97: Eh, you're not the only one.
Ned1230: When I was 12, my best friend and I thought it'd be funny to write something crude on some Skyrim page. Can't remember what it was, though. Anyhow, my IP got blocked for a week or so and I didn't think much of it. Eventually, a few months later, I began to seriously consider editing for real. In June 2013, I made my grand debut - which wasn't really that grand. I made a couple of crappy pages on the drug dealers in Cragslane Cavern. Then, I added some categories to pages that pissed the local admins off and this guy named Kroq banned me for thirty minutes. Well, I was kind of annoyed but I continued to edit, doing useless junk like adding commas to sentences and creating invalid cats.
Eventually, at around a hundred edits, I began to attract the attention of the admins at the time, mainly Tomb. She blocked me again for three hours for something similar and then I quit for a few months. I came back in December, and made around 1000 mainspace edits in a week (A lot of those were commas).
Ned1230: To say the least, the admins...weren't my friends. I was accused of badge-hunting even after I had actually stopped, got dozens of warnings over the next two or three months from just about every admin and patroller 'round the block. The whole place was coated in drama and I got blocked for three days twice for disturbing the peace. I remember having a nervous breakdown right around the time of the Exodus, and I left.
Madman97 (rolling his eyes): Ugh, it's called the Admin Crisis! Get it right...
Ned1230: Ghost and I thought that because every staff member resigned, the wiki would be in perpetual anarchy for a long while. When I left, Rim had something like 300 edits, Atv was just some noob and I never achieved my ultimate goal of being a patroller. Well, I came back and I found that all the patrollers and Atv basically make the same type of edits I was making before - looks like I was just a bit ahead of my time before. So, I started editing again, and here I am!
Madman97: It's still better than how we started out on here. Trust us on that one. Excellent job on becoming an editor! You've been banned multiple times and you've still made it farther than me!
Madman97: And now Dave, we begin our game. First question.
Madman97: Have you ever...had a fake ID?
Dave: Nope. Straight man. My turn. Have you ever...lied about your age to an upstanding establishment?
Madman97: Upstanding as in...
Dave: Getting into strip clubs?
Madman97 (taking a drink): I got my first stripper that night. She was nineteen, just started working there, I was her second customer (and according to her, much less awkward than the first), and wanted to be a sign language interpreter...My turn! Have you ever...stayed up all night playing video games? From sundown to sunrise!
Dave (nodding and taking a drink): Yessir! That game was Skyrim.
Madman97: That reminds me! Ned! You must've played Skyrim to be interested in editing here. How long have you been playing the Elder Scrolls series?
Ned1230: About 11 years. I've been playing since 2005,when I was 4 and my parents bought Oblivion. I thought it was awesome, what with all the different types of Daedra and, of course, the Shivering Isles. When I was allowed to play Skyrim, I was psyched and it has turned out to be my favorite game of all time. Morrowind, which I played last year, has a really great story, but it isn't the same as Skyrim for me.
Dave: I'm a Morrowind fan myself, but I guess I am nostalgia-biased. My turn, guys. Madman, have you ever had an "Oh Sh*t, my life is over" moment? Like where you literally lost all hope for tomorrow?
Madman97 (taking a drink): Rather dreary but given my line of work, there were many-hic!-long nights. Alright dear Davey, have you ever done hard drugs?
Dave: Do you consider weed and shrooms to be hard?
Madman97: Shrooms are deemed an illegal substance worse than weed...
Dave (muttering and taking a drink at the same time): Even though shrooms are probably the most natural and safe high you can get... Same question.
Madman97 (draining half the bottle): Ah...You know I-hic!-handle applications for new employees? You know what I say when I see their drug tests come back negative? "Sorry, we don't hire-hic!-f*cking losers."
Madman97 (a bit wobbly now): And you know, you know the best part of it all is that you tape yourself doing funny things on your phone. It's-it's quite a novelty-hic!-to see something about yourself. Which brings me to another question for mutant Flanders here. This is the guy, right, this is the guy...that made an Elder Scrolls Wikia Wikia...I mean, where did you get that idea?
Ned1230: From my own head, which is a big expanse of disorganized imagination. I don't know exactly how I thought of it. I think I just thought of it and eventually just created it. Wanted to see how it'd turn out.
Ned1230: Progress is slow now, but that's because most of the badges and things like that have already been completed. Everyone who was going to be aware is aware already. It's up to them to create their pages.
Madman97: Yeah, yeah...Ah ha ha...I saw a blog you wrote...On the website. It was like, an interview with yourself.
Ned1230: That "interview with myself" was an utterly random thing that I felt like doing, because why not?
Madman97: Reminds me of me...Alright Dave, new question...Have you ever tried making a wikipedia page about yourself?
Dave (taking a healthy drink): IMDB. I wanted to make my own acting...page...(Dave shakes his head and shudders)Woo...Bird's goin' down...
Madman97 (laughing): Oh yeah, ha ha ha! That wasn't too-hic!-long ago, was it? Tell them who you auditioned to be? Go on, tell them!
Dave: ...Only if you finish that bottle.
(Madman97 downs it in one go to the cheers of the crowd and Dave shrugs)
Dave: Alright. I wanted to play Young Han Solo...Didn't get the part and neither did literally thousands of others.
Madman97: Ha ha! You were so serious about it too.
Dave: It wouldn't be so...bad...ugh...if everyone at work would stop calling me Non Solo.
Madman97: Oh man, that's good. Alright, alright, Ned. Final question, man. Have you, um...
(Madman97 collapses out of his chair while Dave throws up on Ned's shirt--
Happy St. Patrick's Day!