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I have explored the vast land of Skyrim extensively, and I have come to ascertain a few things about this wild and wondrous wintry world.

Skyrim Scenery

Life Lessons

  • One does not simply walk into Skyrim.
  • The Nords at some point thought it was a good idea to bury their dead with weapons and armour. Thanks for that.
  • Dead people always come back to life when someone comes to mourn them.
  • Dungeon builders built complicated puzzles, then decided to put the answer on the wall above it.
  • Every shopkeeper in the world, regardless of what they actually sell, refer to their goods as tresures.
  • Coins don't have mass.
  • Every inn in Skyrim was made by the same architect.
  • Only a renowned hero can purchase real estate.
  • Being a Thane is a just a fancy get out of jail free card.
  • Nobody ever bothers to move a Dragon carcass; it looks nice sitting in the middle of town.
  • The end of the world and a civil war will wait for you. Take your time.
  • Followers are so good at lockpicking, they don't need a key.
  • Followers have a sixth sense for when enemies are nearby.
  • No matter what you do or wear, everyone assumes that you are a wanderer or an adventurer.
  • Shopkeepers don't bother asking what happened to that expensive item you picked up and moved into the other room.
  • The Bard's College only teaches 3-4 songs.
  • Despite having 10 fingers, you can only wear one ring at a time.
  • The Dragonborn is the only person in the world who can solve everyone's mundane problems.
  • Everyone is either too weak, lazy, or stupid to solve their own damn problems.
  • Married couples never have sex.
  • If you marry someone, they will force you to pay for the random items in her shop like anyone else. Said shop always make 200 coins every day.
  • There are no spontaneous bar brawls, only arranged fist fights with a 100 gold bet.
  • Imperials are faithless.
  • Guards can tell what what you are skilled at just by looking at you.
  • Guards will applaud you for using one-handed weapons, then complain about two-handed weapons...all while wielding a two-handed weapon. (Special thanks to First Tiger Hobbes)
  • You can block with a two-handed weapon, but can't block whilst wielding two weapons.
  • Giants enchant their weapons with levitation powers.
  • Giants are more powerful than dragons--If some god-like giant decided to ressurect a bunch of dead giants, Skyrim would be completely fucked.
  • People often tell their whole life story to random strangers upon meeting them.
  • Saving the whole world from an apocolyptic dragon attack gets you no reward save for an inspiring speech from a monk with a beard.
  • The Blades are dicks.
  • Guards have short term memory loss.
  • People still die from diseases despite the fact that every disease known to men and mer can be cured simply by touching an Altar of Talos.
  • Praying actually works, despite the fact that you aren't even fighting for the Stormcloaks.
  • Nothing you ever do will ever overshadow the fact that you are a new member of the companions, and that you probably just fetch the mead.
  • Drinking beer gives you more energy.
  • Eating a root can make you invisible.
  • All prisons are poorly constructed.
  • You should always execute your most dangerous prisoner last, just in case a dragon attacks.
  • There are no pants in Skyrim.
  • Following simple logic, the expansion pack for Skyrim should have a shop named "The Missing Greaves".
  • If you buy enough items from stores, you will eventually become notorious amongst city guards for having "honeyed words".
  • Guards in small towns don't live anywhere, nor do they ever sleep or do anything except actually guard things.
  • The world's economy improves instantly when you become a master trader.
  • If you make enough potions, you can learn more about using axes.
  • Stargazing can teach you how to be a better blacksmith.
  • People murder<Chicken murder
  • Wheat heals wounds.
  • Being someone's friend means something.
  • Being an illegal immigrant is a capital offense. So is opening a gate, stealing a horse and killing a chicken. Mass murder is not.
  • Getting an arrow to the knee is a job requirement for being a guard.